Illustrations by Tim Parker

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  • If I don’t die in a freak ink-vat accident I shall be thoroughly disappointed.

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  • I have a dire need for a Halloween jumper.

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  • Actually, it’s Undrea.

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  • After last week’s Mary Berry Cake Baking Failure Rating System, tonight I will be debuting the Paul Hollywood rating system. If anything, it’s more accurate.

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  • I’ve just been asked to make it clear that the Elvis act at an event is an impersonator.

    Seriously.

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  • I want to open a coffee shop staffed only by French and Spanish people.

    I’d call it Café Olé.

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